Ketamine infusions in April led to an almost total relief from depression that continues via the use of ketamine-containing lozenges.
What I did not know to expect was exactly how difficult it would be to NOT have depression to retreat into: as of now, not being depressed is quite uncomfortable if for no other reason than I have so little experience in this state.
..Imagine having a navigational chart that you’ve used to avoid a shipwreck during a boating career where you’ve experienced nothing but severely limited visibility: your eyes and methods have adapted to this. Now imagine the fog clears overnight and the last 25 years of sailing in fog are not applicable as the light is too bright to see obstacles and the map not only isn’t visible: it is now of an expanse of water that no longer exists.
Resultantly, all of those sensory bits & pieces I used to be incapable of noticing, or capable of blocking out, are battering me & the only logical thing to do (aside from other manipulations of neurochemistry I wouldn’t try to explain here) is to batten down the hatches and weather the storm (or lack thereof in this metaphor).
I’m not exactly sure why I’m bothering to write this aside from my need to exteriorize the current state of affairs in hopes of some better understanding…I’d like people to read it, but, it is an afterthought and a tertiary hope that anyone will actually read anything I write and an ever further perceived possibility that it has any significance beyond the sphere of ‘me’. (that’s what the comments section below is for…hint, hint)….otherwise it’s just more pissing in the wind…(the likely title of my autobiography that nobody will read…Pissing In The Wind, A life lived entirely in vain, by May as well be anonymous).
See, that was an attempt at humor. Fuuuuuuck.
The Nirvana lyric is a bit too appropriate: “I miss the comfort in being sad”, from Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge On Seattle.
For anyone who is interested in what I expect to do to stabilize things: do a search for the following: The Mood Stabilizer Lithium Potentiates the Antidepressant-Like Effects and Ameliorates Oxidative Stress Induced by Acute Ketamine in a Mouse Model of Stress. (be well-versed in gnarly medical terminology or expect to have to look up every third word..these studies are beasts to understand without the appropriate training)
Much like the mice in the studies, I have a feeling all of this ends with my brain being dissected.